[ Good, Viktor hadn't spent too long obsessing over that; he would have expected to be bothered in one way or another if he had. Yuuri, however, still continues to run his hand through Viktor's hair as to help ease any kind of uneasiness that was shared by both of them and was being hidden away.
Moments like these were rare but also slowly becoming something more natural. Sure their status being a little more defined had a huge say in that matter, but maybe they would have gotten here eventually. Maybe. Especially with how sometimes Yuuri would get the urge to want to touch Viktor in the same way that he touched him. ]
[ The hair petting is extremely nice and he could melt against Yuuri and take it all day, to be honest. It was comfortable and soothing and just makes him want to keep cuddling him. ]
I spent the day out looking with Makkachin and getting a few things we needed for dinner.
[ He probably also grabbed something to eat while he was out. Light and small, but that's a given. He watched what he spent and making sure taking up the odd jobs from the task board helped cover his expenses. He wasn't a total mooch. ]
There was a bit of garden cleanup to help with, as well.
did we mean to make this thread into domestic fluff...
[ Maybe one day Yuuri will allow himself to spend an entire day cuddled up with Viktor like this, doing not much more than basking in each other's company and laving one another with simple affections. They certainly had the time to do so...
Maybe. Until then, Yuuri hummed softly at Viktor's reply as he fiddles with a few strands of hair in particular. Yuuri wasn't about to nag Viktor for not finding a ""proper"" job while they were here since the task board did provide a fair amount of income depending on the job. ]
What did you want to make for dinner tonight?
[ This felt so domestic. So settled...was this really a life that he was allowed to have? Did it really suit them? ]
[ Maybe it didn't fully suit them quite yet, but Viktor could honestly see a domestic type of life back home with Yuuri after all things are said and done. One day they would have to retire and he'd love to have a warm and tender private life with Yuuri without any concern of anything else. Maybe even let his cute little piggy enjoy katsudon to the fullest. If it felt right, who cares if it "suited" them according to anyone else. ]
Something pasta.
[ There was a wine that he had gotten while he was out because he'd been offered a sample. Don't worry, he didn't spend a gratuitous amount of money on it and he'd make sure to get more work to help cover that type of cost. But a wine would go well with pasta.
For now, though, his arms tighten just a bit more around Yuuri, not wanting to let him move at all just yet. Let him have this moment. ]
[ Yuuri would go through great lengths if it meant that he would be able to eat katsudon every day, but at the same time it was best to savor the things you liked, right? ]
Do you think you'll need help? [ He wants to add in something about Viktor's cooking skills themselves but he refrains. There was a time to tease Viktor about that and a time where he shouldn't have and right now was one of of those times where he shouldn't be teasing Viktor.
...especially given how there was no back-up dinner plan in motion. Though since Viktor has himself some wine, had this become a "wine and dine" scenario where Viktor is required to whoo Yuuri somehow? Not that he'd need to. ]
[ Also, Yuuri would probably get Viktor harping on him or making comments if he decided to eat katsudon every single day. That would probably get old fast. ]
I don't need the help. [ But he leaves it open if Yuuri wanted to help him. That would be his choice on if he wanted to leave it all up to Viktor or not. It's not like he had a huge meal planned. Probably just boiling some water and making noodles with some sauce on the side. Sure, Viktor wasn't a world class chef, but he probably did cook for himself from time-to-time.
Though, this case isn't a "wine and dine" experience. It's just that he has wine and they'll be dining. It's more along the lines of domestic life together. ]
[ Domestic unrest caused by Yuuri's love for katsudon... Who would have known?
But Viktor's open-ended reply gets Yuuri to consider his options. Typically he would go to help Viktor with their meals even if he was tired from work because he thought to himself that he was never too tired to not help out. Being a barista was nothing compared to spending upwards of four hours on the ice training and practicing.
However, this time he'll let himself have this. It seemed fitting to allow this given everything else. ]
Yuuri settling in like this doesn't help Viktor with motivation to get up from the couch anytime soon, though. No, he won't neglect dinner, but he wants to savor this tender moment for just a little longer. He feels really at peace like this. ]
Do you want me to start cooking right now?
[ Because, honestly, he's fine with doing it whenever. ]
Yuuri debates Viktor's question for another moment or two before he answers. He could eat right now but he also don't quite want to let Viktor go. It's such a silly feeling, one that he's pretty sure that Viktor has sometimes given how attached he is to Yuuri, but he can't help it. He was allowed to be clingy too. ]
You can if you want; I'm not too hungry yet.
[ The reply comes with Yuuri borrowing against Viktor some. ]
It's nice to be wanted like that, too. It'd be nice if Yuuri vocalized it a bit more often, but it also didn't bother Viktor not to hear it since he's allowed to stay by his side and he'll be staying by his side for as long as he can.
With the burrowing, there's no way that Viktor is going to push him away and start cooking now. Instead, it just encourages him to settle in even more. ]
[ As they settle against on another Yuuri can't help but let his mind wander a bit. Generally his thoughts are fleeting and harmless but there is one that sticks out to him. ]
What if we were trapped here for over a year, Viktor?
[ Yuuri knows that in the beginning he had been extremely adamant about treating everything as temporary and not to get attached to anything here, but given all of the people he has talked to...
At what point do things stop being "temporary" and start to move into the permanent territory? ]
[ Viktor made it very clear that he has no problems settling in here during that time and have a life with Yuuri away from their home. His arms tighten around Yuuri and he gives him a very gently nuzzle. ]
We have a home, we have Makkachin. There are people we've met here that have been kind. I don't see a problem with living here and making the most we can. It isn't like it's our choice of when we do or don't get to go home, so why fight it or think too much about it?
[ Which is probably a bit surprising considering he was mulling over the fact that Yuri had gone home and it triggered a worry that one of them could be left here without the other. But the statement presented also sounded like that they'll both be here together until the other one leaves, as well. That hypothetical situation he has no qualms over. ]
We still have out skating and no one will be missing us at home. There's so many new things we can learn and do here that we can't do at home. I want to embrace that.
[ On some level, Viktor's answer gives Yuuri some degree of comfort. Certainly his affections and the way he holds him helps to ease the worries that had been creeping up, however it doesn't really help him feel satisfied with how to deal with what they've been dealt with. ]
Wouldn't that cheapen things, Viktor? [ Yuuri casually replies without much thought or hesitation. ] If we...built ourselves something here and then leave it all behind once we went back.
[ Because everything here was just all temporary. Once they left here then that would be the end of it. The home they have here. The space that they've created here between the two (three) of them. Yuuri doesn't regret allowing himself to settle down a bit but— ]
[ Sorry, but he doesn't understand this line of thinking, to be honest. Isn't this what people technically do even back where they're from? ]
Homes aren't permanent at home, either. With that line of thinking, nobody should make a home for themselves until they're certain they're going to be in the same place their entire life or that the places they had before were "fake."
[ At least, that's what he's getting out of this conversation. Isn't it one of those "home is where your rug rests" type of thing? They can have many different homes, no matter how temporary it would be. ]
Wouldn't it be more awful and dismissive of the people here if we only did things halfhearted? Living to the fullest would give them the emotions they need to rebuild this world. I think it's actually a lovely idea of leaving as big of an impression as we can. It means we really made a difference.
[ And this is where things start to fall apart. Yuuri understands what Viktor is saying and he's not wrong in his thinking or the point he's trying to make. However, the fact of the matter was that he wasn't seeing Yuuri's view and somehow that kind of made sense. Viktor probably never had a "home" as Yuuri did. ]
Are you saying you wouldn't want to settle down somewhere, Viktor?
[ To Yuuri "homes" have always been a place to return to whenever something was over. No matter how tired or where they'd go—"home" would always be waiting for them and a place of comfort. He's heard of people thinking their "homes" as people, but Yuuri couldn't really see that.
"Home" had been his room in Yutopia—in Hasetsu... It had been where he grew up and where he felt the most comfortable. Being by Viktor's side was starting to feel a little more like home but it wasn't quite the same. Not yet. ]
Even if we put everything into what we have here, there'll be none of it left for us when we go back. It'll be as if we weren't even here.
That's not what I'm saying. I'm only saying that a place you might settle in could end up being temporary anyway.
[ Not everyone lives in the same place their entire life. People move, things change, life happens. While he doesn't mind the idea of being "rooted" in one spot with Yuuri, he also doesn't like the idea of being inflexible to change. So, for him, living to the fullest in your current environment and being as comfortable there as possible is what matters most. ]
When I was staying with you in Japan, that wasn't ever going to be my main home, but even for the temporary amount of time, I made it my home as much as possible. When I go back to Russia, there won't be anything left, but it'll still feel like a home to me, regardless.
[ It's a given that he'd have to go back to Russia if he was to continue on with his skating career, but this is probably the first time they've talked about him no longer actually being in Japan anymore. ]
[ Just from the way that Viktor replies to Yuuri, he can't help but feel as though it was a sad way of thinking. He wasn't unaware of the fact that Viktor traveled around a lot, hell, Yuuri traveled a fair bit himself. It was the nature of their work and what they wanted to devote their lives to...
However, just the way he thought things through... ]
I never expected you to stay in Japan or to even—
[ If Viktor remembers, Yuuri never expected them to have anything beyond the GPF. He had made peace with the fact that he wouldn't have to think of a future with Viktor; he'd cherish the time they had together and leave it as that. ]
Never mind. [ This wasn't an "argument" that he wanted to have. It was just a difference of opinion and Yuuri didn't want to impose any kind of his own thinking on Viktor. He'll shake his head and offer a smile that doesn't quite match the look in his eyes. ]
You're right; we will just have to do our best while we're here.
[ Except this dismissive way of trying to end the disagreement doesn't sit right with Viktor even in the slightest. Obviously their communication is breaking down, and there are times when things are just dropped, but it's usually due to time constraints or the inability to continue the conversation at home.
But here? Here is different. They have all the time in the world to hash things out and no excuses not to. Other than one or both of them being stupid about things. ]
Yuuri. [ There's that sulk to his tone as he stares at him. What happened to their domestic fluff that seemed like it wasn't too long ago? ] Why does it seem fake to you?
[ Here he has been trying to justify how he sees things, but Yuuri wasn't explaining his perspective well, either. At least, for him, it doesn't seem to quite make sense. Why couldn't they live to the fullest, even if they'll eventually leave here? ]
[ They are cute and domestic. Domesticity also comes with its ups and downs. That said, as Viktor presses him, Yuuri begins to fidget uncomfortably. He had wanted to let the subject drop but seeing how Viktor wasn't going to let him, he tries to find the words to explain his feelings. ]
Because it won't exist when we go back. [ Yuuri says plainly and bluntly. He doesn't know anything about whether or not people forget things when they leave but he does know that when people come back they might not remember anything that happened here.
...it would make sense that they'd forget what happened here, right? Every single moment that they've shared here—forgotten. ] Everything that we have here...it's nothing we can keep with us.
[ There's a sinking feeling that starts to not only weigh on Yuuri but the air around him too. A heavy weight—the weight of his anxieties. ]
I, I mean...we'll still be together [ Probably. ] but the time we've spent here will all be gone.
[ He understands the dismay about not being able to remember anything about this place when they go back. It's something he knows full well will be a thing. He's been told it without a shred of a doubt. Sure, they could potentially come back and remember things while they're here, but once they leave... Yeah, Yuuri is right. It's not something they, themselves, can take with them.
Tenderly, he reaches to rub one hand over Yuuri's cheek, thumb brushing along the line of his cheek. ]
Even if I do "forget" this place and what we've shared, somewhere in my heart, I'll always have this. Right now, all these feelings are real and I don't want to live a superficial existence with you, even if the memory fades.
[ He leans in and presses a soft kiss on the cheek where his hand isn't and lets his lips linger, closing his eyes. ]
I plan to spend my entire life with you. There will be things in my old age that I won't remember and things you'll forget, as well. There won't be "proof" of what we went through, but it still happened, didn't it?
[ The weight of his anxieties doesn't lift even though Viktor basically swears his life to him and declares that he wants to spend the rest of his life with him. A gesture and a statement that Yuuri knows Viktor would not say lightly, not to someone like Yuuri. ]
Doesn't that frustrate you, Viktor?
[ He does his best not to bring up how he still has lingering feelings that Viktor could (always) do better than him. Yuuri was still pretty average and not really anything spectacular. He certainly wasn't anywhere as attractive as Viktor was. Viktor was sculpted and Yuuri was...well Yuuri. ]
I... I didn't consider us to being anything beyond the Grand Prix Final. [ For every step forward filled with love and affection for Yuuri that Viktor takes, Yuuri sometimes finds himself having a hard time meeting Viktor there. ] Things are different back home. It's not like you can shove your feelings at me and make me understand them.
[ Despite his uncertainty and words of trepidation, he leans into Viktor's touch. ]
[ Yet to Viktor, there isn't anyone that could compare in any way, shape or form to Yuuri. His soul is so tightly attached to Yuuri that he'd be missing a large part of himself if he were to ever lose Yuuri.
Sure, he has Yuuri complacent in living a life here together, but it's obvious from this talk that he still believes that there's a chance things might dissolve back home. At this point, Viktor can't help but give a small, helpless laugh. It's not directed at Yuuri in the slightest, but this situation seems so ridiculous to him. ]
But I can. It might be different back home, but I will still make sure my feelings are made clear. I have complete faith in myself that I won't let you get away from me, even if you feel our time is numbered. Sharing my emotions with you here was a convenient tool, but it doesn't lessen how determined my feelings are about you at home, either.
[ As for the frustration part... ] I'd be lying if I said I had no frustrations over the situation, but I don't want my time with you spent holding tight to those. I want to cherish every moment I have with you.
[ Even though Viktor follows up his laughter with some encouraging words, it does very little to quell his anxieties and worries. Viktor had every bit of patience and belief that things would turn out fine with him and Yuuri, but Yuuri didn't share the same optimism. He didn't think that he'd ruin things but he did think that he would run from it all.
Just like how things started here—he would see things as finite and that he was killing Viktor's talents. He would be nothing but a burden to him and be resolute in his ways to make sure that whatever he and Viktor had would be a sweet memory. Unconsciously, Yuuri will fiddle with the ring on his finger and worry his bottom lip. ]
I'm not the same.
[ He wanted to hold onto Viktor more than anything else in the whole wide world. Just like Viktor, he had cherished every moment together and while there might not be a lot of photographic evidence of it—they would be burned forever in his mind. ]
It's not that I don't believe that you won't try to make your feelings towards me clear as you can...but I can be pretty stubborn. [ Obviously. ] I do cherish the time we have together though, Viktor. I... It's the best thing I can think of. It even feels like a dream sometimes.
[ And yet for all of the words that Yuuri is saying, the atmosphere doesn't lighten. ]
[ Viktor pulls back and stares at Yuuri long and hard. He doesn't respond right away in part to make Yuuri feel a bit unnerved. For as much as he does for Yuuri, there are moments where he is still is human and selfish and wants to show how he can get plenty frustrated, too. ]
Sometimes I think you forget who you're dealing with, Yuuri Katsuki. If you weren't as stubborn as you are, I don't think you could handle me. That said, I can be just as selfish and stubborn as you.
[ He leans in closer and stares at him with those beautiful blue eyes that Yuuri's so fond of. ]
You're not someone I will let just simply walk away. I haven't let you run away yet, here or at home, and I don't plan to ever let it happen. Not unless you told me, looking directly into my eyes, that you didn't want me anymore. That you truly wanted me to leave.
Until that moment, you're going to be stuck with me. [ And there is a slight pause. ] ...Even then, I probably wouldn't leave. [ Honestly, his stubbornness also knows no bounds. ]
[ Had this been Yuuri from years before, he would have eaten up everything that Viktor was saying and thrown himself at him. However, this was Yuuri years older and with a heart that wasn't going to open up that quickly. He still appreciates and takes everything that Viktor is telling him to heart but it only sinks in so far. He believes in Viktor but he doesn't believe in himself.
For all of the time that they've spent together it's still not enough to know who Yuuri is as a person. It's no one's fault other than Yuuri's for that as well. Viktor's right in thinking that Yuuri would never be able to tell him to his face that he never wanted him anymore. If anything, he'd just want to let go of Viktor if he wanted anything else. Probably.
Still, even if he doesn't quite believe it himself...Viktor's right that Yuuri knows full and well about Viktor's less savory personality traits. For all of the love that he sees in the brilliant blue eyes, Yuuri's own eyes can't quite meet them.
He does manage a pretty decent rueful smile, however. ]
If only other people knew this side of you.
[ He still can't see everything and anything they have here as a temporary situation and even if he forgets about it, he knows he'll still have moments where he'll remember. Yuuri will always remember that their time here is both definite and finite, but also worth experiencing to the fullest.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Good, Viktor hadn't spent too long obsessing over that; he would have expected to be bothered in one way or another if he had. Yuuri, however, still continues to run his hand through Viktor's hair as to help ease any kind of uneasiness that was shared by both of them and was being hidden away.
Moments like these were rare but also slowly becoming something more natural. Sure their status being a little more defined had a huge say in that matter, but maybe they would have gotten here eventually. Maybe. Especially with how sometimes Yuuri would get the urge to want to touch Viktor in the same way that he touched him. ]
Was it a busy schedule?
[ He teases lightly. ]
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I spent the day out looking with Makkachin and getting a few things we needed for dinner.
[ He probably also grabbed something to eat while he was out. Light and small, but that's a given. He watched what he spent and making sure taking up the odd jobs from the task board helped cover his expenses. He wasn't a total mooch. ]
There was a bit of garden cleanup to help with, as well.
did we mean to make this thread into domestic fluff...
[ Maybe one day Yuuri will allow himself to spend an entire day cuddled up with Viktor like this, doing not much more than basking in each other's company and laving one another with simple affections. They certainly had the time to do so...
Maybe. Until then, Yuuri hummed softly at Viktor's reply as he fiddles with a few strands of hair in particular. Yuuri wasn't about to nag Viktor for not finding a ""proper"" job while they were here since the task board did provide a fair amount of income depending on the job. ]
What did you want to make for dinner tonight?
[ This felt so domestic. So settled...was this really a life that he was allowed to have? Did it really suit them? ]
no but it sure did happen
Something pasta.
[ There was a wine that he had gotten while he was out because he'd been offered a sample. Don't worry, he didn't spend a gratuitous amount of money on it and he'd make sure to get more work to help cover that type of cost. But a wine would go well with pasta.
For now, though, his arms tighten just a bit more around Yuuri, not wanting to let him move at all just yet. Let him have this moment. ]
#gay
Do you think you'll need help? [ He wants to add in something about Viktor's cooking skills themselves but he refrains. There was a time to tease Viktor about that and a time where he shouldn't have and right now was one of of those times where he shouldn't be teasing Viktor.
...especially given how there was no back-up dinner plan in motion. Though since Viktor has himself some wine, had this become a "wine and dine" scenario where Viktor is required to whoo Yuuri somehow? Not that he'd need to. ]
always
I don't need the help. [ But he leaves it open if Yuuri wanted to help him. That would be his choice on if he wanted to leave it all up to Viktor or not. It's not like he had a huge meal planned. Probably just boiling some water and making noodles with some sauce on the side. Sure, Viktor wasn't a world class chef, but he probably did cook for himself from time-to-time.
Though, this case isn't a "wine and dine" experience. It's just that he has wine and they'll be dining. It's more along the lines of domestic life together. ]
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But Viktor's open-ended reply gets Yuuri to consider his options. Typically he would go to help Viktor with their meals even if he was tired from work because he thought to himself that he was never too tired to not help out. Being a barista was nothing compared to spending upwards of four hours on the ice training and practicing.
However, this time he'll let himself have this. It seemed fitting to allow this given everything else. ]
Then I'll take your spot on the couch.
[ His tone playful and he closes his eyes. ]
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Yuuri settling in like this doesn't help Viktor with motivation to get up from the couch anytime soon, though. No, he won't neglect dinner, but he wants to savor this tender moment for just a little longer. He feels really at peace like this. ]
Do you want me to start cooking right now?
[ Because, honestly, he's fine with doing it whenever. ]
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Yuuri debates Viktor's question for another moment or two before he answers. He could eat right now but he also don't quite want to let Viktor go. It's such a silly feeling, one that he's pretty sure that Viktor has sometimes given how attached he is to Yuuri, but he can't help it. He was allowed to be clingy too. ]
You can if you want; I'm not too hungry yet.
[ The reply comes with Yuuri borrowing against Viktor some. ]
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It's nice to be wanted like that, too. It'd be nice if Yuuri vocalized it a bit more often, but it also didn't bother Viktor not to hear it since he's allowed to stay by his side and he'll be staying by his side for as long as he can.
With the burrowing, there's no way that Viktor is going to push him away and start cooking now. Instead, it just encourages him to settle in even more. ]
Then we can wait for a little bit.
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What if we were trapped here for over a year, Viktor?
[ Yuuri knows that in the beginning he had been extremely adamant about treating everything as temporary and not to get attached to anything here, but given all of the people he has talked to...
At what point do things stop being "temporary" and start to move into the permanent territory? ]
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[ Viktor made it very clear that he has no problems settling in here during that time and have a life with Yuuri away from their home. His arms tighten around Yuuri and he gives him a very gently nuzzle. ]
We have a home, we have Makkachin. There are people we've met here that have been kind. I don't see a problem with living here and making the most we can. It isn't like it's our choice of when we do or don't get to go home, so why fight it or think too much about it?
[ Which is probably a bit surprising considering he was mulling over the fact that Yuri had gone home and it triggered a worry that one of them could be left here without the other. But the statement presented also sounded like that they'll both be here together until the other one leaves, as well. That hypothetical situation he has no qualms over. ]
We still have out skating and no one will be missing us at home. There's so many new things we can learn and do here that we can't do at home. I want to embrace that.
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Wouldn't that cheapen things, Viktor? [ Yuuri casually replies without much thought or hesitation. ] If we...built ourselves something here and then leave it all behind once we went back.
[ Because everything here was just all temporary. Once they left here then that would be the end of it. The home they have here. The space that they've created here between the two (three) of them. Yuuri doesn't regret allowing himself to settle down a bit but— ]
Doesn't it all seem kind of fake?
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[ Sorry, but he doesn't understand this line of thinking, to be honest. Isn't this what people technically do even back where they're from? ]
Homes aren't permanent at home, either. With that line of thinking, nobody should make a home for themselves until they're certain they're going to be in the same place their entire life or that the places they had before were "fake."
[ At least, that's what he's getting out of this conversation. Isn't it one of those "home is where your rug rests" type of thing? They can have many different homes, no matter how temporary it would be. ]
Wouldn't it be more awful and dismissive of the people here if we only did things halfhearted? Living to the fullest would give them the emotions they need to rebuild this world. I think it's actually a lovely idea of leaving as big of an impression as we can. It means we really made a difference.
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Are you saying you wouldn't want to settle down somewhere, Viktor?
[ To Yuuri "homes" have always been a place to return to whenever something was over. No matter how tired or where they'd go—"home" would always be waiting for them and a place of comfort. He's heard of people thinking their "homes" as people, but Yuuri couldn't really see that.
"Home" had been his room in Yutopia—in Hasetsu... It had been where he grew up and where he felt the most comfortable. Being by Viktor's side was starting to feel a little more like home but it wasn't quite the same. Not yet. ]
Even if we put everything into what we have here, there'll be none of it left for us when we go back. It'll be as if we weren't even here.
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[ Not everyone lives in the same place their entire life. People move, things change, life happens. While he doesn't mind the idea of being "rooted" in one spot with Yuuri, he also doesn't like the idea of being inflexible to change. So, for him, living to the fullest in your current environment and being as comfortable there as possible is what matters most. ]
When I was staying with you in Japan, that wasn't ever going to be my main home, but even for the temporary amount of time, I made it my home as much as possible. When I go back to Russia, there won't be anything left, but it'll still feel like a home to me, regardless.
[ It's a given that he'd have to go back to Russia if he was to continue on with his skating career, but this is probably the first time they've talked about him no longer actually being in Japan anymore. ]
Or is that "fake" to you, too?
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However, just the way he thought things through... ]
I never expected you to stay in Japan or to even—
[ If Viktor remembers, Yuuri never expected them to have anything beyond the GPF. He had made peace with the fact that he wouldn't have to think of a future with Viktor; he'd cherish the time they had together and leave it as that. ]
Never mind. [ This wasn't an "argument" that he wanted to have. It was just a difference of opinion and Yuuri didn't want to impose any kind of his own thinking on Viktor. He'll shake his head and offer a smile that doesn't quite match the look in his eyes. ]
You're right; we will just have to do our best while we're here.
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and there are times when things are just dropped, but it's usually due to time constraints or the inability to continue the conversation at home.
But here? Here is different. They have all the time in the world to hash things out and no excuses not to. Other than one or both of them being stupid about things. ]
Yuuri. [ There's that sulk to his tone as he stares at him. What happened to their domestic fluff that seemed like it wasn't too long ago? ] Why does it seem fake to you?
[ Here he has been trying to justify how he sees things, but Yuuri wasn't explaining his perspective well, either. At least, for him, it doesn't seem to quite make sense. Why couldn't they live to the fullest, even if they'll eventually leave here? ]
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Because it won't exist when we go back. [ Yuuri says plainly and bluntly. He doesn't know anything about whether or not people forget things when they leave but he does know that when people come back they might not remember anything that happened here.
...it would make sense that they'd forget what happened here, right? Every single moment that they've shared here—forgotten. ] Everything that we have here...it's nothing we can keep with us.
[ There's a sinking feeling that starts to not only weigh on Yuuri but the air around him too. A heavy weight—the weight of his anxieties. ]
I, I mean...we'll still be together [ Probably. ] but the time we've spent here will all be gone.
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Tenderly, he reaches to rub one hand over Yuuri's cheek, thumb brushing along the line of his cheek. ]
Even if I do "forget" this place and what we've shared, somewhere in my heart, I'll always have this. Right now, all these feelings are real and I don't want to live a superficial existence with you, even if the memory fades.
[ He leans in and presses a soft kiss on the cheek where his hand isn't and lets his lips linger, closing his eyes. ]
I plan to spend my entire life with you. There will be things in my old age that I won't remember and things you'll forget, as well. There won't be "proof" of what we went through, but it still happened, didn't it?
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Doesn't that frustrate you, Viktor?
[ He does his best not to bring up how he still has lingering feelings that Viktor could (always) do better than him. Yuuri was still pretty average and not really anything spectacular. He certainly wasn't anywhere as attractive as Viktor was. Viktor was sculpted and Yuuri was...well Yuuri. ]
I... I didn't consider us to being anything beyond the Grand Prix Final. [ For every step forward filled with love and affection for Yuuri that Viktor takes, Yuuri sometimes finds himself having a hard time meeting Viktor there. ] Things are different back home. It's not like you can shove your feelings at me and make me understand them.
[ Despite his uncertainty and words of trepidation, he leans into Viktor's touch. ]
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Sure, he has Yuuri complacent in living a life here together, but it's obvious from this talk that he still believes that there's a chance things might dissolve back home.
At this point, Viktor can't help but give a small, helpless laugh. It's not directed at Yuuri in the slightest, but this situation seems so ridiculous to him. ]
But I can. It might be different back home, but I will still make sure my feelings are made clear. I have complete faith in myself that I won't let you get away from me, even if you feel our time is numbered. Sharing my emotions with you here was a convenient tool, but it doesn't lessen how determined my feelings are about you at home, either.
[ As for the frustration part... ] I'd be lying if I said I had no frustrations over the situation, but I don't want my time with you spent holding tight to those. I want to cherish every moment I have with you.
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Just like how things started here—he would see things as finite and that he was killing Viktor's talents. He would be nothing but a burden to him and be resolute in his ways to make sure that whatever he and Viktor had would be a sweet memory. Unconsciously, Yuuri will fiddle with the ring on his finger and worry his bottom lip. ]
I'm not the same.
[ He wanted to hold onto Viktor more than anything else in the whole wide world. Just like Viktor, he had cherished every moment together and while there might not be a lot of photographic evidence of it—they would be burned forever in his mind. ]
It's not that I don't believe that you won't try to make your feelings towards me clear as you can...but I can be pretty stubborn. [ Obviously. ] I do cherish the time we have together though, Viktor. I... It's the best thing I can think of. It even feels like a dream sometimes.
[ And yet for all of the words that Yuuri is saying, the atmosphere doesn't lighten. ]
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Sometimes I think you forget who you're dealing with, Yuuri Katsuki. If you weren't as stubborn as you are, I don't think you could handle me. That said, I can be just as selfish and stubborn as you.
[ He leans in closer and stares at him with those beautiful blue eyes that Yuuri's so fond of. ]
You're not someone I will let just simply walk away. I haven't let you run away yet, here or at home, and I don't plan to ever let it happen. Not unless you told me, looking directly into my eyes, that you didn't want me anymore. That you truly wanted me to leave.
Until that moment, you're going to be stuck with me. [ And there is a slight pause. ] ...Even then, I probably wouldn't leave. [ Honestly, his stubbornness also knows no bounds. ]
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For all of the time that they've spent together it's still not enough to know who Yuuri is as a person. It's no one's fault other than Yuuri's for that as well. Viktor's right in thinking that Yuuri would never be able to tell him to his face that he never wanted him anymore. If anything, he'd just want to let go of Viktor if he wanted anything else. Probably.
Still, even if he doesn't quite believe it himself...Viktor's right that Yuuri knows full and well about Viktor's less savory personality traits. For all of the love that he sees in the brilliant blue eyes, Yuuri's own eyes can't quite meet them.
He does manage a pretty decent rueful smile, however. ]
If only other people knew this side of you.
[ He still can't see everything and anything they have here as a temporary situation and even if he forgets about it, he knows he'll still have moments where he'll remember. Yuuri will always remember that their time here is both definite and finite, but also worth experiencing to the fullest.
He'd regret it otherwise. ]
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